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people who baffle me no.1

there’s a pinay here, a gp, looks over 50, who recently moved back after a rather unsuccessful stint in a developed country (unsuccessful meaning she didn’t get a pr). i’ve never seen her before, i wouldn’t have a clue how she looks like and frankly i’m not one of those who will feign interest for the sake of fellowship. for some reason unknown to the likes of me, she thinks i am obliged to come up to her, be chatty with her and all that unnecessary friendliness just because we are both pinays in a foreign land.

so i wonder, am i obliged??

in a small get-together that i didn’t attend, she goes up to another pinay and says i don’t even say hi to her and when she ran into me, i avoided her. motherfucker, i don’t even know her, i wouldn’t recognize her fuckface if it smashed into me.

one day last week, one of my colleagues pointed her out to me from a considerable distance. eventually after that, i came up to where she was having lunch with another pinay and introduced myself. then like a crazy weirdo, she gives me this haughty look and said “yes, i told (insert name here) that you don’t say hi to me and that you avoided me when i ran into you,” to which i said, “motherfucker, i don’t know you and i don’t know your face, how could i have avoided you?”

no, i didn’t really say that. my mind said it.

i said with a smirk and with all the respectful sarcasm i could muster, “sorry about that, but how could i have said hi to you or avoid you when i wouldn’t have recognized you? i didn’t know how you looked like until (insert name here) pointed you out today.” i must have scoffed because after that she wouldn’t even address me in the mini-conversation and couldn’t manage to look into my eyes.

sometimes people baffle me.

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i have to run

six days ago, i started running. on the treadmill. but running nevertheless. i started with alternating 90 seconds brisk walking and 60 seconds running until the timer says 30 minutes then i step off the machine and walk across the garden before stretching on our terrace. then the other day i started alternating 90 seconds walking and 90 seconds running within the same time frame (though i cheated one day when i just had to get on and off to watch the replay of american idol; but i kept marching in place while watching. doesn’t compensate, really, but at least i try).

this may not sound impressive, but if you know me and my lifestyle, this is a vast improvement. i, who can barely sustain running over 60 seconds straight without losing my breath and splitting my sides about 15 pounds heavier ago, decided to run. and on the tradmill too, one thing i used to be repulsed by because i just thought it’s unspeakably boring.

this may also sound as if i’m following the crowd (literally in the philippines) of runners who have taken it upon themselves to tread the open pavements because, well, everybody else is doing it. i am not a hipster snob, but i do take efforts to stay away from things that everybody else is doing. so kill me.

so why on earth did i start doing it? because i’m in a foreign country and that strangely motivated me to run.

today, if it doesn’t rain when i knock off from work, i’m going to actually run outside.

guess where i’m at. work, of course.

usual of me some three years ago, i abuse company resources by logging into my blogs. fortunately for this job, i don’t go to facebook on company time. if i get discovered doing this now, i will take it as a sign to move on to bigger and better things. i don’t really mean that. i’m good here. until some fantastic opportunity swirls past with great paintbrush effect, i think i’m staying here.

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my cousin went back to the philippines the other day and i went back to being the big gaping hole in the furniture that sometimes brings home fruits and vegetables from the market.

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i told my husband we should seriously round up some people to make music. nah, that’s too much work. no, really, we should. yeah, we should harmonize “who’s holding donna now”. yes, and “big yellow taxi” and “you’re so vain”. now you’re just thinking of songs with solo female parts. ok, how about “human nature”? that’s good. and something from spice girls, maybe “too much”. that could work. fabulous. you do realize this takes a lot of practice? i know, isn’t that great?!?!

all of a sudden, here’s 2011

on the night of new year’s eve, i slept. slept like never in a long time. as soon as my head hit the pillow, i went out like a candle.

i went to sleep in 2010, woke up in 2011. like a hipster nonconformist, only on the losing spectrum of popular notions, i didn’t celebrate the new year in.

i could vaguely remember my husband lumbering into the room from the street party at dawn to wish me a happy new year before he himself collapsed into an unconscious mass.

looks like we are now well into the 21st century… happy new year, folks!

scrolling down hollow pages

a couple of days ago, i would have been a bottled-up tangle. now that i am in the cusp of weekend that promises to be a lenient one, i wouldn’t mind a little fugitive frustration to dapple the night.

there are just some nights when you think everything is ok with the world, though you know a few days later you would find a fracture in the order of the universe and make a fuss.

so now i am teetering with insomnia, i try to mount the blocks with some e-window shopping. it’s one of the best emotional self-mutilations you can subject your half-conscious self to. i do it because i am a member of this poor degenerate consumer society without complaints.

i think i will try to read something until my eyes get heavy. i doubt that will happen until maybe 3 in the morning.

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i’m thinking — i’m always thinking — what i should aim for next. and i don’t mean these things staring back at me from ebay. since i have redirected my life, i wonder how i should envision the end of this road? hmm.

lost things

i think the biggest thing missing from my life now is a cat. not since fifth grade have i lived in a place without at least one cat. even when i asserted my independence in flats that did not allow pets, stray cats abound in the parking lots and alleys, all of the ones who weren’t frightened by human contact i would scratch on the chin even if i were running late. neighbors had a dozen of them domesticated and begging for food from even me, the aloof girl next door.

i married into a dog family, that’s why.

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no one talks to me now about boxing and basketball. except for my boxing trainer, of course, but i’m not even the most rigorous of clients.

everybody talks about rugby. and it’s a sport that i just can’t get, even if i tried my very best.

i also married into a rugby-playing family.

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no one even tries to psycho-analyze our neuroses. i didn’t know i would miss the creeps that try to shed light on our subconscious even if we didn’t ask them to. i used to think they were just annoying. now i realize they were good for the laughs.

what makes you recoil

for the first time since i put up this blog, i read all my past entries. yes, all of them. i am now officially fascinated by my old self. fascinated in a way that makes me wince in pain.

i found that i write most of the time when uninspired. isn’t that strange? most people write when inspired. and i don’t mean positively all the time; many gifted writers produce their best work under melancholy inspiration. like when they are jilted.

i guess this is why i can’t be a writer. i would only produce boring stuff.

to be shamefully honest, i used to dream about being a writer, but that aspiration fell by the wayside when at a young age someone important led me to discover this mystifying object called a “paycheck” and made me believe that the only way to survive is to have this come to you on a regular basis. so as soon as i reached legal working age… that’s history now.

over a decade of subsisting on the paycheck made me realize that it’s not worth dealing with monsters for.

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i don’t know why i used to be so affected by things that didn’t matter. i blame it on hormones. or sleep deprivation. maybe both. or i could just blame it on the horror movies i used to watch as a child for instilling a morbid fear of everything in this wide world, even things unrelated to spirits and the occult.