i want to lose my head over getting sick with grief. my throat was parched but blocked, my nostrils were heavily clogged, my ears were hard of hearing when i woke up from a sleep that barely touched surface. i wanted to sulk all day and be sad over my lack of companionship, but i can’t help feeling calm about things. i realized that i had no more house food left and i didn’t have enough cash to make the minimum delivery order footnoted in these fast food fliers. i was too lazy to even put on decent clothes so i can walk to the nearest atm. i called up the neighbor across the street to ask what breakfast they could assemble for me, i’ll just pay whatever. i felt sorry for myself looking at the greasy preparation, all of which i would have relished if i weren’t schizophrenic today, so i took what i couldn’t shovel into my mouth anymore and lay them right in front of the orange cat stretched beneath the pick-up.
i wanted to just stay home and be desperately lonely. it’s overcast, the rain will surely pour in a matter of minutes, this was the best day to be romantically sulky. but i had responsibilities to accomplish. medium-sized shoes to fill in the office. i can’t be neglectful of duty, that’s not my style. my style is to put it off for a while, but not to neglect it altogether. so i called in sick this morning, saying i’m reporting to work after lunch, i’m still nursing a monumental cough you’d think i would expectorate my larynx with this tenaciously gluey phlegm. which is true; although i refused to have the phlegm boost itself up my throat, so when i report to work later in the afternoon, they’d know i’m not kidding about the monumental cough.
so the morning was oil-ridden meat and scrambled eggs for breakfast, a trusty can of coca-cola, some schoolboy’s cartoon network shows and a steady, stalwart drizzle from a solemn gray sky.
it’s such a nice day to be sad.
you have to admit there are some days when you want to cancel your lease on opportunities. or at least postpone them. when you want to stay lodged beneath the comfort pile of simplicity and even settle for a few mediocre joys.
that’s how i find my sanity today. in knowing that chances at conventionally more successful endeavors have presented themselves before me yet i choose the square room of these small subdued tokens, symbols of a life made less complicated by honest pursuit and laid back confidence.
it’s the calm acceptance of the world as it steadily unfolds itself right before my very eyes.
i would still relish having to tread the sidewalks made slick by rain, light drizzle misting your view of the crooked path, going home to the prattle of commonplace female stories, and the atmosphere of instant noodles assaulting your senses, you can actually taste it.
for sheer length of some of my entries, i absolutely bore myself.
just about everybody in one of our stores hates the manager there. i am itching to do something about it. but i know my efforts would more likely be seen as meddling than innovative.
i like gays. they are some of the most imaginative, most hilarious human beings on the planet. but i’m also afraid to cross them. most of the time though, i’m drawn to them. and i guess sometimes they’re drawn to me, too. because i’m easy to impress when it comes to gay slang and humor.
i can’t get enough of flat tops and curly tops. they both taste exactly the same to me. am i being fooled into thinking that they are different? that’s some kind of marketing, perhaps. but i like them, in whatever name they come to me. so i buy both. of exactly the same taste.
today i decided to wear one of the outfits they compassionately furnished me with. it has a standing collar which seamlessly goes on to the rest of the top part then ends abrubtly in a gathered empire cut that forms an upside-down v-shape across the center. the neckline narrowly opens down to a point where i wouldn’t dare show, so i wear a bandeau underneath. i like best the ridiculous cuffs: the sleeves end at the elbows, but the cuffs flare with the longest edge down to my palms in an irregular length to form something that would remind you of a lily when i put my hands down to my sides, only elegantly, almost frailly, fastened at the elbows with same-fabric buttons.
i obviously do not know how to wear these strange upscale outfits because right before i stepped out of the house, i reached my right arm across the medium-sized industrial fan to turn it off and my luxuriously commodious cuff got caught in the blades. i didn’t realize what has happened until the fan sputtered like an old engine and stopped for a split second. only then did i jerk and quickly drew my arm away. the longest edge got smudged in month-old dust and the impeccable smoothness got botched, though not unmanageably. i saw part of the seam got torn, but that’s it, not at all noticeable, further proof of the quality of these unusual clothes. anyway, i laundered the foozled part in the sink (while wearing it; it’s a type of outfit that takes special skills to take off and put back on) and ironed flat the criss-crossing creases, carefully avoiding my own wrist in the arduous process.
i usually eat breakfast in my own office. today i forgot to bring my food from home. so i ended up settling for whatever grab-and-go breakfast i can get from the nearest store. that would be junk food, of course. which made me feel like hurling after a few minutes of finishing the bag.
then i take my nicotine fix. i am the only one with an access card into that place, which, as i took my cigarette break, i realized with a foolish fear that i forgot to sling around my neck. stupid. so i locked myself out, big deal. i walked around the compound looking for the building admin who has the “universal” access card but i was informed that she usually reports at 9:30 in the morning. that’s time i couldn’t wait for because i had to take off for one of the stores and all my materials and supplies were locked in. it was a big deal. then i found an upper window that was inadvertently left unlocked, pried it open, had one of the valets climb onto a cabinet, and with a very long broomstick, had him press the button to unlock. that was no simple feat. but it worked.
before i leave for store tasks, i always put up a sign on the door announcing my whereabouts, so people would know if the office is empty or where to find me. this morning, i first put up the wrong sign. so i put it down to get the appropriate one. i put in on wrong side up. so i corrected it. then i went off. i came back later to find that it was another wrong sign after all.
so i am expecting the heels of my shoes to break any minute now, or perhaps my pants to rip off their seams as i plug my equipment, or perhaps my hair to get caught in some sticky substance when i walk along the city street.
this is just one of those days.
p.s., i pressed “save” instead of “publish”. so after i logged out and checked the post that wasn’t there, i had to log back in to publish the post. yes, it is one of those days. and one of those lethargic neurological responses.
robyn turned six months last thursday, may 1. and that marks a milestone not every infant will experience: she has grown enough to be subjected to the next phase in a series of corrective procedures. and i have been gnawing at my nails, shaking my hands as if a violent convulsion is taking over them, and mercilessly twisting a variety of inanimate pliant objects, all in rapid succession.
i have spoken to a few people about this.
daily, i am required to look like i belong to our stores. personal style. it’s even part of performance appraisal. but management knows that under my circumstances i would never shell out a cent on unnecessaries. i pointed that out, stressed it with a vigor that could only stem from a conviction of futility of further effort. my priorities are clear, i said. so one day, with severe instructions to keep it under shrouds, they bring me two bagfuls of outfits. i was moved to semi-tears.
i have spoken to a few more people about this.
it’s too soon to tell how this will turn out, but my hopes have been revived.
the next few days are dipped in feverish expectation. i should not be frustrated. it will break my heart if things don’t turn out the way i picture them. the desolation will kill me outright. the municipal government would have to scrape me off the pavement.
