it all starts with awareness. then you steel yourself for the onslaught of wicked emotions you would want to poison off if feelings were rodents and explanations were venom. there are days when emotional dependence becomes that monstrous hand that drags you into a rut of self-deprecation and urges of wanting to bash your head in.
yesterday was that day for me. i knew i would mess it up somewhere. it had all the ingredients to foster self-destructive behaviour and that was exactly how it evolved into a marathon of insecurities and past mistakes. after trying so hard to make myself noble. it only takes one sliver, one thin crack to break. there was the usual montage of dire circumstances, consequential misfortunes and, of course, the feigned strength of persons falling apart one appendage at a time. it was probably the lowest i could go.
all those words, like pus that has accumulated in a boil and finally spewed forth in a tirade of viscous self-pity.
the remorse is unbearable. and the pain only a criminal can understand.
i am deeply sorry for the inconvenience.
this is exactly how i feel right now.
like i prepared so much for something but it didn’t turn out the way i expected it to. yesterday was one of the lowest points in my life. *sigh*
today i had my first mouthful of mrs. blown-dry’s wrath. actually, i have experienced snippets of it in past few months, but all of them forgettable, not entirely addressed to me and totally not priority concern.
this morning, i experienced first-hand how it is to be at the receiving end of her outrage. which bothers me to no end right now. because these were absolutely not my mistake. these were other people’s mistakes which i had to face. we have all learned at work that there is no use explaining to her because she obviously doesn’t want to be bothered with explanations, valid or otherwise. so the best you can do is say sorry. through gritted teeth.
so these people whose mistakes i had to own up to will be getting an official report from yours truly, with barb in every word. this matter is too cumbersome for an insignificant person like me. i simply can’t be beleaguered by serious trouble, as hardworking and conscientious as i am! unfair.
someone’s going to pay for this.
